Quotes from Season1

I probably won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister

A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness

Stay away from musicians. They’re nothing but trouble.

Check yourself, before you riggity riggity wreck yourself!

What do you think I did! I handled the fuck out of that shit.

Once you see the love of your life get hit in the face with another woman’s ejaculate… your perspective changes.

You don’t deny your man the ass. You give it to him. Because once he knows he can have that… he ain’t gonna want that shit anymore.

I never intended to be famous, but I do like being the center of attention. It feels just like I thought it would… totally fucking great.

The simple fact remains, you fucked me and you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. That doesn’t sit well with the ladies.

Do I get any credit for all the assistants I didn’t fuck?

The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that’s bad luck. You know what’s worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I’ve read studies. It’s like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some.

I question everything. It’s very healthy.

I thought I’d start the day with some dry toast and half a grapefruit, bust out the old computer, bang out 10 pages, maybe go for a run. Maybe I’ll just jerk off and go back to bed.

Do whatever you have to do. Beg, plead, cry. Get down on bended knee. ’cause I’m telling you, no amount of top-shelf pussy can compete with the love of a good woman.

You know, most people, they go their whole life, and they never really find someone they love. They say they do because everybody’s the star of their own little romantic comedy, but they’re full of shit. You and me, we had women that loved us for who we were, really loved us for who we were, and we fucked it up. For what? Some stupid piece of ass we forgot about 10 minutes later?

Says the girl with her finger in the dyke.

Do not underestimate your inability to attract women.

Do you know how hard it is to get a girl off? It is like disconnecting a bomb. I mean, there’s all these wires and shit down there. Who knows which one you’re supposed to cross or pull. Plus, the studies show that the female orgasm is, like, what, 99% mental. Who has time for that?!

That’s the kind of bling you like, right? Dead people’s jewelry?

Are they good with the diamonds, the canadians? I thought just the bacon.

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