Quotes from Season1

Funky back tat on the small of the back. You know what that means. She likes it in the pooper.

Your assistant makes me want to touch myself in a bad place.

Yes, and it might be nice if I could fellate myself while farting the white album, but I haven’t been able to quite master that yet.

You looking for a cock punch?

I’m a writer. Non practicing.

Now you’re giving me that look right now…look like I finger banged your cat.

Honey trust me, getting your asshole bleached would be much more fun.

I’m fine, I’m disgusted with my life and myself but I’m not unhappy about that. How are you?

Must be my trick ear but I thought you said “blog”.

I think we can all agree by and large that men are assholes.

Why would I wanna get to know a guy who’s so in love with himself that he hangs out in a bookstore reading his own work.

I google myself but I never cheated on you. Never.

Imagine my fucking disappointment when you turned out to be the biggest cliché of all, sitting there and googling yourself.

In what universe is fucking someone when you’re married to somebody else not cheating?

Twelve-year-old finds naked slut in dad’s bedroom. Are you still feeling cute?

I know that look. That’s the look that shrivels me testies.

Okay, so not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have a shitty taste in movies.

Father? Can I ask you something? Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom? There’s no hair on her vagina. Do you think she’s okay?

I’m not wearing any pants but I would like to invite you two ladies to join me, to take your pants off, and come with me to the pants off restaurant.

Yo, KFed, the little man in the boat? He’s up here, that’s where he is!

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