Quotes from Episode1 - Pilot

Hank Moody (David Duchovny) is a man in his 40s struggling with a mid-life crisis. He is still in love with his ex-girlfriend, Karen, who is about to be married to her fiancé. They share custody of a 12-year-old daughter, Becca. The show begins with Hank in a church receiving oral sex from a nun, but it is soon revealed that it is a dream that epitomizes Hank's lifestyle. After writing a book entitled God Hates Us All and receiving great accolades and critical acclaim, Hank finds himself struggling to write a new book. He is angry that his book has been turned into a movie titled Crazy Little Thing Called Love starring Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Aside from this Hank has to deal with trying to be a parent.

Now you’re giving me that look right now…look like I finger banged your cat.

Honey trust me, getting your asshole bleached would be much more fun.

I’m fine, I’m disgusted with my life and myself but I’m not unhappy about that. How are you?

Must be my trick ear but I thought you said “blog”.

I think we can all agree by and large that men are assholes.

Why would I wanna get to know a guy who’s so in love with himself that he hangs out in a bookstore reading his own work.

I google myself but I never cheated on you. Never.

Imagine my fucking disappointment when you turned out to be the biggest cliché of all, sitting there and googling yourself.

In what universe is fucking someone when you’re married to somebody else not cheating?

Twelve-year-old finds naked slut in dad’s bedroom. Are you still feeling cute?

I know that look. That’s the look that shrivels me testies.

Okay, so not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have a shitty taste in movies.

Father? Can I ask you something? Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom? There’s no hair on her vagina. Do you think she’s okay?

I’m not wearing any pants but I would like to invite you two ladies to join me, to take your pants off, and come with me to the pants off restaurant.

Yo, KFed, the little man in the boat? He’s up here, that’s where he is!

Maybe I should hide under your clit, he’d never find me there.

Sweet baby Jesus…Hank is going to hell.

Something tells me it’s not gonna suck itself, Hank.

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